It’s 8:30 on a Friday night and I’m propped up in bed with my 3rd Old Fashioned of the evening. Pillows divide the middle of the bed to discourage my 11lb maltipoo from venturing to this side. Otherwise, we are alone. The smell of jasmine wafts in faintly through the window, as does the sound of various loud-ass vehicles speeding down San Juan and sometimes even past my bedroom window. There are two fans blowing, one above and one beside. Otherwise, it is silent. It often is.
I looked at my calendar today to be sure I wasn’t imagining it and realized I haven’t socialized with a person that wasn’t my daughter or ex-husband now in almost a month. I talk 8hrs a day to 2D people behind a computer screen on 4 different time zones but the 3D kind seem hard to come by these days. Everyone’s busy and my life has become pretty insular somehow, without me really choosing it. I don’t take it personally but it’s not how I would design it.
I’ve been wondering if what I’m really missing is a partner. Ruminating, really. For sure, I like my own space and my own company. I like living in a home where I can control the energy. But a certain vibrance is missing. Nothing to bounce off of. I’ve cultivated calm as a trauma response to such an extent that the result sometimes feels like trauma itself.
Do I want a relationship? (A good one, of course. The Goldilocks kind). Someone to fill this void?
8 times I would have loved to have a partner in the last week
The simple act of making me a cup of coffee. I like it strong - ground the night before and programmed to brew before I awake - with one, measured teaspoon of coconut sugar and a tablespoon of 40% butterfat heavy whipping cream. Nobody but me knows how I like my coffee. It would be such decadence to have someone share that knowledge and occasionally make it for me, just because.
For that matter, could someone else other than Doordash, put a meal in front of me at the end of a long day when I’m so done I can’t fathom cooking and cleaning up?
I wanted to pressure wash the patio which involved removing the wicker sofa from the patio to the carport out back. Would have been really nice to have someone help me negotiate the 5ft couch pieces through the gate so that I didn’t have to edge them along, inch by inch, walking from front to back, front to back, and then climbing across them as they got wedged in the gateway just to get them through.
When I’m in a pain flare up and overwhelmed and just want to delegate that one thing too many to someone else.
When my kid is struggling with anxiety and I’m so emotionally caught that I can’t center myself. And afterward when I need grounding and holding and someone to take care of me so I can continue to take care of her.
It’s the end of the day and I need to vent, download, share, let it off my chest. About whatever.
I’m just sad. Stroke my hair absentmindedly. It always soothes me.
Sometimes I have the energy to think beyond tomorrow and it’s blank. Someone to plan the next chapter with. dream, brainstorm, partner on plans; envision a life beyond now.
It’s all theoretical, of course. I’ve tried internet dating and only found myself to be more demoralized by the status of 40 and 50-something men. Lack of conversational skills and lack of interest/effort to get to know you are the key themes. I don’t need another relationship in my life where I’m doing all the work.
Generally, however, over a 2yr period, I tried 5 different dating apps and, although I did a lot of reaching out, I can count on one hand the number of men who initiated contact with me. I re-wrote and recalibrated my profile countless times (and I think we can agree I’m not a shabby writer) but then finally realized that trying to position myself like marketing collateral wasn’t exactly going to attract Mr. Right. If you don’t dig what I’m laying down, it’s all good, we’re probably just not a good fit. Also, it was exhausting with almost zero payoff. 10 men, 9 of which were all one-date-wonders. Almost none of them sparked sufficient enough interest for me to want to spend another hour with them, even accounting for understanding first meetings are awkward.
And yes, I talked to a therapist about this. Is it me? Hi? Am I the problem? It’s me? and ultimately the answer is yes: I’ve grown, I’m happy in most ways with my life solo, I’m financially stable, independent, capable…. what I want someone to bring to the table in a relationship isn’t something many people have the EQ to give and I’m not in a place where I want to take on someone else’s unresolved trauma anymore.
Once upon a time, I found the line from the Jerry McGuire movie, romantic. “YOU complete ME” sounded like such a meeting of hearts and minds. But now I feel complete, alone.
Just, often, lonely.
Your writing is a window to your soul, wonderful but often sad.
I often feel the same.