I am an over-functioner.
Not a particular fan of that expression because it sounds like one of those things that you might say in a job interview when someone asks you about your weakness and instead you talk about a thing about yourself that is the flip side of the strength coin. “Oh my goodness! Yes! I just function so well that I overdo it sometimes. I really need to work on that!”
But anyway, it is true and I guess overdoing anything is never a good look.
It kills me to see someone needing help, a ball dropped, a task undone, a friend co-worker, or family member not seeing a path forward when I can clearly see 20. My instinct is to step into any void in front of me and move into action without regard to my own capacity.
Ok, that’s not entirely right. It’s not that I don’t think about my capacity. It’s more that I assume it’s limitless, that I’ll find the time and energy somehow. I usually do but then, inevitably, something else suffers. So, perhaps the better way to say this is that I do it without regard to the consequences. Not just to me but to others, of course. The next words after “capacity”, above, should have been “or the other person’s agency.” The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Like many unhelpful habits and behaviors that we develop over time, I’ve come to see my ability to help, step in, get it done, figure it out, know the answer etc… as something that I really like about me. And, of course, that’s because in many situations it has indeed paid off for me. As a for instance, I’ve never had a new job where I wasn’t promoted within a year or two. I pride myself on being that person you want to give the problem to because you know you can rely on me to figure it out and deliver. Accountability, responsibility, and an indomitable spirit are all qualities I prize in myself and would never want to abandon. I won’t let you down. (At least not practically speaking.) Certainly, when I encounter people with a distinct lack of accountability and responsibility in my life, I kinda want to shake the living daylights out of them. I never want to be that person for someone else.
Unfortunately, it’s often the behaviors that seem to be underpinning our fundamental values and belief systems that we end up overdoing. It all starts out good and healthy and then suddenly you look back and see, well shit, I crossed a line somewhere and now the thing that was awesome about me has now become my Achilles heel.
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I wrote the above 4 months ago and am just picking up this post now. I’d like to say I’ve made significant progress but it’s been infinitesimal at best.
There was a win: a day when my daughter texted me, anxious about something and, instead of trying to reason with her or suggest possible ways to rethink or solve the problem, I just basically agreed that the situation sucked and validated that I had confidence in her to come up with a path forward. (I do, by the way, those aren’t just words. I just don’t always stop to give her room to think it through. Ouch.)
Otherwise, I still continue to see myself engage in a yucky form of narcissistic martyrdom where I seem to think that literally everything is my responsibility and fault; my job to figure out and fix. People’s feelings and moods, people’s actions, people’s LACK of action, all and every outcome at work. It’s a control drama I can only seem to see in the rearview mirror or a runaway train I can’t seem to pull the break on fast enough, if I catch it at all.
And it makes me someone I don’t especially like. Because to take over someone else’s shit, you also have to take over their agency. If it’s someone you love, that feels awful when you see that in the cold light of day. If it’s someone you’re less intimate with or perhaps don’t like all that much because their not-doing-something is triggering your behavior, it tends to lead to judgmental thoughts about their capacity, capability, and intentions. I genuinely like most people, or can find something to like about them, so I don’t enjoy berating them in my head while I step into their void and “show them how it’s done”. Gack.
“All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.”
―Brené Brown,Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms
Assuming the best in others is just as much about us showing up as our best version of ourselves as it is stepping out of other people’s business. When we over-function, we send a subtle message that we don’t trust the other person to do the thing or handle the thing. And that may prove to be true - there may be evidence to demonstrate that’s likely the case - but none of it makes it our responsibility. And, either way, you’re sure as hell not making it likely that someone will suddenly step into the void when you’re filling all the available space.
Let things be, Michelle. Let things be undone, uncomfortable, unresolved, and unattended. Those words make me squirm in my skin. But then that’s usually the very clue that this is exactly what I need to do.
How about you?
I love that you can share your feelings
So honestly , your writing is so raw but eloquent❤️
Been there, done that. The area where this has the worst consequences for me is in romantic relationships I just have never been able to let things unfold naturally. I probably could now, menopause has shifted things for me, as well as just getting that I have to allow space for myself and others. But of course now I cannot go on one more date with a shitty man, so there’s that.